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Will Sammons

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Appalachian Children Dolls

Original Owner: 
SpankyHam
Appalachian Children
Appalachian Children
Appalachian Children
Appalachian Children
Appalachian Children (post surgery)

Will's story that came with the Appalachian Children Dolls:

I picked these up in a thrift store and they were never opened. They still have their little tag that states that they were made (and presumably sold) to benefit an Appalachian Children's association or orphanage or something. they look kind of like tiny raggedy ann and andy, but their hands are permanently attached and they have X's for eyes which makes me think they're dead. In a way, they're like homemade "Living Dead" dolls. There's an overall sense of morbidity to them.

Cyber-Donkey 3000

Original Owner: 
SpankyHam
CyberDonkey 3000
CyberDonkey 3000
CyberDonkey 3000

Will's Story that came with Cyber-Donkey 3000:

My job sucks. It sucks the most and it's boring and filled with emptiness much like the joy or satisfaction I take from doing (or not doing) my job. In the midst of this emptiness enters Cyber-Donk 3000. A rubbery plasticky donkey that I found lying around the engineering lab one day and had the genius idea to fill my utter senseless and empty work existence with a project. We can make it stronger, better, faster, more filled with blinky lights and useless pieces of hardware.

Hula Barbie

Original Owner: 
SpankyHam
Hula Girl Barbie
Hula Girl Barbie

Will's story about Hula Barbie:

I got a hula girl and wanted to ironically stick it on my dashboard as a nod to the society's false sense of fifties nostalgia. NOBODY picked up on this. They just thought I was a faggot with a hula girl. The hula girl mocked me from her place on the dash. Every turn was a derisive laugh and nod. Every wiggle of her skirt a smack to my failure as a social commentator.

Totem Pole Trophy

Original Owner: 
SpankyHam
Totem Pole Trophy
Totem Pole Trophy
Totem Pole Trophy

Before we even get in to Will's story that came with the Totem Pole Trophy, I would like to express how very odd I think it is that a trophy for a 1979 Cake Bake would be in the shape of a Totem Pole.

What is the point of that? Okay, and back to Will's story titled Prince Paul's remix version of Buddy by De La Soul aka Buddy (Native Tongue Remix):

Russian Book

Original Owner: 
SpankyHam
Some Book in Russian
Some Book in Russian
Some Book in Russian

Will's Story that I forced him to send me because he included this extra book in with his Sauce trade shipment:

Like Crazy Moths to A Demonic Flame
My friend from the bar and I hang out ever Wednesday night. We eat dinner and go to the cheap movies every Wednesday without much variance (depending on what might be going on that week). We've been doing this for years, years I tell you. We go to a bookstore sometimes after our movie.

Cross With Weird Stuff On It

Original Owner: 
SpankyHam
A cross with weird stuff on it
A cross with weird stuff on it
A cross with weird stuff on it
Matchbook that says, "Phil eats vag for change."

Will's story that came with the Cross With Weird Stuff On It:

Phil Eats Vag For Change

I was at a bar the other day drinking cheap beer and having cheaper conversation about all manner of boring things like how hot Serena Williams is when she plays tennis and there was a brandy glass full of matchbooks. I live in NC and we're like the mecca for tobacco farmers everywhere, so you can still light up in a bar and pretty much anywhere because those yankee law fucks can make whatever kind of laws they want and the old schoolers will still light up and nobody is going to say anything because goddammit this is North Carolina and it's a god given right to smoke one of our past number one cash crops.

Will Trades Me a French Phone, a Russian Book, Totem Pole Shaped Trophy & a Cross for Terror Clown Painting, No Face Wedding, Hugs for Jesus Statue and Dooky Kiss

Will and some baby
Will, as a hippie

Here's the thing.

Lots of people like to send "extras" to The Sauce along with their official trade offers. Lots of people. Pretty much everyone. I've let it go in the past, but - like I say below - I decided to make an example of Will and punish him for doing the same thing that many others have done in the past.

French Phone

Original Owner: 
SpankyHam
French Phone
French Phone
French Phone
French Phone
Will's Terror Clown from Childhood

Will's Story that came with the French Phone:

I am scared to death of clowns. I've started trying to get over this fear by collecting the scariest clown shit I can find.

I wrote this funny story about it once:

Mr. Magoo is not to be trusted. The same goes for clowns. If the circus has one thing, it has clowns. It has clowns by the carload. Creepy, scary clowns menacing cross-dressing midget clowns. It was the worst.

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