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Alien Anal Probe, Alien Mind Control Reflecting Helmet and Dogs Playing Poker Shirt

Original Owner: 
corqmaker
Alien Probe
Alien Probe
Rosalie wearing the tin foil hat
Dogs Playing Poker Shirt

Patrick's story about the Alien Anal Probe, Alien Mind Control Reflecting Helmet and Dogs Playing Poker Shirt:

The story of the Alien Anal Probe…

I had an insane dream a few years ago that can only be explained as unexplainable…

It was Thanksgiving Day and I had just settled into the recliner for a nice turkey and stuffing induced coma when the doorbell rang (which is odd because I don’t have a doorbell, I have one of those knocker things). Anyways, I hoisted my bloated mass up (it was like Elvis towards the end, really) and waddled to the front door swinging it open.

What was on the other side can only be described as the horror to end all horrors; it was Martha Raye (the Polygrip Denture Adhesive spokesperson)! (Little known factoid: Martha Raye also played Benita Bizarre in the 1970 Sid and Marty Kroft show “The Buggaloos”).

The first thing I thought was “this is odd, Martha Raye died in 1994”, but she smiled at me with those Chicklet sized gleaming white dentures and put all of my fears at ease. She didn’t speak, at least her mouth didn’t move, but I could hear her talk. “Come, let me take you on a fantastic journey”, she said in her calming yet gravelly Camel non-filtered voice.

How could I say no? At about 5-foot-nothing and 98 pounds I knew I could whoop her scrawny ass if I really had to. So I grabbed hold of her bony liver spotted hand, vomited a little bit inside my mouth and closed my eyes…

Instantly I felt as though my insides were coming out and my outsides going in. I wanted to open my eyes but couldn’t, it was like a hurricane force wind was holding them tightly closed. I saw bright flashes through my eyelids. I tried to scream, but couldn’t open my mouth. The only sounds I heard were what could only be described as the crackle when this milk hits the Rice Krispies. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, it was over…

I woke to find myself still in my recliner, beads of sweat on my forehead and a pain in my gut. My intestines knotted and rolled as I thought about my crazy dream, dead Martha Raye, and all that I had so gleefully wolfed down that afternoon. I made a mad dash for the bathroom...

37 minutes, a book of matches, two aspirin, and four Tums later, I emerged from the sanctuary feeling much better (and much lighter too). I had completely forgotten about crazy dream and went about my business. “Time for some leftover pie!” my inner Elvis said to me as I wandered into the kitchen.

Later, with my inner Elvis satiated, I meandered into the bedroom for some well deserved sleep. I proceeded to have a gassing contest with the dog (he was the overall winner, but I scored bonus points with my mallard-like serenade), then rolled over (still mouth breathing due to the stench). My head hit the pillow...

Sometime in the night, I awoke to find dead Martha Raye (denture wearer) standing in my room! I jumped from the bed ready to kick that bag of bones and shiny false teeth back into the afterlife, but she held up her hand and I was unable to move. “I want to take you for another trip”, she said. I detected the slight hint of a whiskey sour on her breath, as she spoke (apparently whiskey and lemonade is available in the afterlife (which is a plus for me, but now I find myself trapped in parentheses within parentheses with no reasonable way to narrate myself out of them so I'll just end the paragraph here)).

Anyway, back to our story...

Dead denture adhesive spokesperson Martha Raye really didn't give me a decision on whether to travel with her, she just grabbed my arm and said, “all will be revealed”. I didn't like the sound of those words, but I didn't have much of a choice.

More of the insides out, outsides in, hurricane winds, and Rice Krispie noises, but this time I awoke in a metallic room that smelled of wet puppies and Parmesan cheese. What went on in that room will never, ever be discussed, but suffice it to say that “all was revealed”...

16 hours later I awoke from my “dream” with a deeper understanding of alien intelligence. That and the size small Alien Anal Probe offered for trade.