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Crow Cannon

Original Owner: 
Crow Cannon
Crow Cannon

Mark's Story about the Crow Cannon:

"While I would never consider parting with even the smallest of my inflatable pickles, I would consider trading my hand made "Crow Cannon" for your stunning monkey.

I developed the crow cannon in response to being awakened every morning by the jabbing shrill sounds of crows in my back yard. I own the only prototype and this is your chance to obtain it before it hits the mass market.

The "Crow Cannon" or, "Crow Cannon" as I like to call it, is a megaphone which generates an insanely loud sound when the two halves (joined by a hinge at the base) are slapped together. The resulting thunderous clap is extremely effective at frightening away crows at 6:00 in the morning. I have stopped using the crow cannon because my wife tells me...and here I think she is wrong...that the sound of the "Crow Cannon" is actually more annoying than the crows at 6:00 in the morning.

Markus "

Fantastic. Little does he know that I have a crow story of my own.

My Crow Story by Rosalie Gale:

"A large group or flock of crows took turns attacking me for six months. More accurately, it was a murder of crows. I spent too much time agonizing about whether to use the phrase "murder of crows" which I wasn't sure everyone would be familiar with or the phrase "large group or flock of crows" because I thought if I said that there was sure to be someone here who knew it was supposed to be murder and they might make comments about it. Comments that can be read by others. I didn't want to appear unintelligent so I decided to use both plus an unnecessarily long explanation. I hope you enjoyed it.

So this murder of crows (everyone with me?) takes turns attacking me. They set up roadblocks and if I try to walk down certain streets they beef up their attack. I suppose they are just protecting their young but it seems more personal to me.

Like once they made me embarrass myself in front of my neighbor. She and I were leaving our apartments at the same time and headed off down the street in the same direction. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a lasting impression so I said, "I'm not sure if you want to walk with me because there's these crows they follow me. Crows are trying to kill me." And she looked at me strangely. But I thought I would have time to follow that up with a witty anecdote that would endear me to her forever.

Instead, I realized at that moment that she wasn't walking to the bus stop with me but out to a car that was parked in front of our building. She veered off, hopped in the car and drove out of my life forever.

The other thing the crows did that was unsettling happened on picture day. I worked for a small company that became a large corporation and they decided to institute picture ID badges for all employees. We were going to have ourselves an old fashioned picture day. I was fresh off the bus from Illinois at this point so I have on my khakis, my cardigan sweater and I've dressed up the bob haircut with a sparkly side barrette and set off on my way.

I was feeling pretty good because nothing was flying at my head. Maybe it was over. Then I got to a street where the telephone wires run right above the sidewalk. I glanced up to see about twenty crows sitting there in silence. That's a good sign, right? As soon as I reach the point of no return one of the birds poops on my head. Four years later I was still carrying that picture ID around. Mainly because I'm too cheap to spend the ten dollars for a retake but also because I like to say, "A bird pooped on my head that day this picture was taken." Invariably, they mistake my sparkly side barrette for the bird poop. Like I would have had the picture taken if it was visible. I rubbed it in so you couldn't possibly detect it."

Okay, well, that was long.

After I had the Crow Cannon for a long time (or what the very impatient consider to be a long time) I decided it needed something. Something exciting! Something fun! Corporate Sponsorship, maybe?

I implored the readers of my now defunct myspace blog to let me know which option they preferred for the Crow Cannon:

Now, I see an opportunity here andI need your input. Please leave a comment indicating whether you would rather I:

1. Offer up advertising space on the Cannon for your Corporate Logo. Just send me your logo and I'll print it on the cannon. All other bARTer Sauce rules apply (i.e. You'll still have to trade me something for it.)

2. Make the Crow Cannon a Hot Girl Cannon instead. I'll print pictures of hot girls with circles and lines through them on the cannon. It'll be perfect for making hot girls fall down, just sneak up behind them and WHAM...stun them into submission (I'm not actually advocating harming the hot girls, just startling them with the loud noise).

3. Make the Crow Cannon into a diorama. I know, I know, that's always my back up idea.

You know what I learned? No one cares.

No one.

I only succeeded in insulting my somewhat feminist friend who thought my treatment of the halter tops who cackle outside my window until 2am was shabby.

Damn those halters!

They've even got the feminists on their side now.

How is that even possible?

And also, how is it possible that with all the years of women's liberation and the feminist movement, the best things they've managed to accomplish is almost equal pay and being marginally less of a social outcast if you don't shave your legs?

Just what have they been doing this whole time? OH, and also ladies. Whose idea was it to give up the hut thing? Where menstruating women have to go sit in a hut for three days and relax? Why the hell did you give that up? If that were in place right now, I could call in to work tomorrow unclean. Shame on you!