Note from bARTer Sauce:
I should mention that I recently threatened Nik and told him that he had to start submitting great stories. He has a habit of just posting another picture of his item where the story should go and then writing a sentence. And frankly, I'd had enough. It was time for a change. Well Nik responded to my threat by saying that maybe he would "...write a story too good it can't be written, it'd put all the great writers look like half-witted stooges and the world's literary world would be erased but my great text.
Do you really want to do that to the world? Do ya? Just think of Judy Bloom being burned at the stake! Jim Davis' blood will be on your hands! and Bill Keane?!? Well, I hate Bill Keane."
And then Nik sent me a story he calls "Eat Me":
We started early. The birds and strange animals welcomed our travel with an eerie and comforting calling. The Amazon! We were seven. Seven strangers stranded in the middle of the jungle with only our wits to guide us. Will we all make it? If not, would it matter? Will people mourn us as individuals or as a number between 6 and 8? Will there be Sapporo hidden in a crate somewhere? We don't know.
My name is Captain Reginald Thumperdunk the third. With me is the beautiful heir to the Sammystone Relish throne Madaline Jexwas. With her were the twins Kiki and Jojo, age 12, then there was Jethro the hunter, Kuppy the Vegas magician and Gertrude the gentlemen's dancer.
Our feet were covered in scars from leeches and unknown insects with colorful shells. Jack Frost wasn't the only one who nibbled feet. As we proceeded I felt a small tug at my shirt. It was Jojo. "What the hell do you want you ungracious imp!" I said. "I'm hungry" Jojo replied. "We're surrounded by vegetation! eat leaves! We'll in one big stinking salad bowl!" Jojo complied and turned the most unusual shade of purple I had ever witnessed on a human. Just as my eyes began to focus on her foaming and convulsing frame - she exploded. "Kiki", I said. "Don't eat the leaves.
Just then something angered a substance in Kuppy's magic hat for it was raining raisens or so I thought 'til I tried to eat one. They tasted like grass, sawbust and lawn cigar. "No what's with you ya gimpy bastard?!", I asked. "I believe something has gotten into Gerald", he relied. "Well then kill the damn thing!", I scolded. As Kuppy removed his hat I could see the top of his skull like a bald eagle's egg. Gerald had gnawed away his forehead and some of his brain. "That beast has got the hoodoo rabies!" I shouted. Gertrude then pulled a can of hairspray from her purse. And a match. And they were on fire like a standing, melting Christmas tree.
"This is madness!" Madaline explaimed. So I brained her with part of the lifeboat oar. "I'll have no talk of madness here!". She was dead but I felt that she needed to know regardless.
We continued. It was getting dark. The jungle was alive with millions of creatures crawling underneath us through the leaves. "You know we could have eaten them", said Jethro. "Oh thanks for telling me now you babboon assed git!", I replied. "Shall we go back for them?", asked Kiki. "No, they're probably all soggy like cereal", Gertrude said dissapointedly. "One of us then!", I said. "But who was it to be?".
Kiki was Dutch and I know better than to dine on the dutch. No evil spirits waking me up at all hours of the day for me. Jethro probably would taste like a good jerky but he was bigger than me which gave me a disadvangtage. Gertrude - well she has the zombie herpes.
"Eat me!" I said. I offered myself as Christ would if he was made out of roast beef. Kiki gutted me with the broken end of the oar. Jethro then snapped my neck, whimpering something like "...I loved ya man" and Gertrude just did a funny dance in my spraying blood. Then darkness.
I had given my life so that others may live. Where I go now I hope whatever godlike entity pencils me in on the 'Nice' list and not the 'Naughty'. I mean they still can't be soar for all those puppies I beheaded.