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Nik Trades Me Tiny Head and Pillow Pal for Brick Man and Space Aliens in Crayon

Traded With: 
Nicolas Caesar Wearing A Dog Hat

Nik and I have done at least one billion trades at this point.

It becomes kind of difficult to think of a new thing to write about ever time -- especially since we do our trades through the mail so LITERALLY -- nothing happens (unless the mean post office lady is there and then I can at least complain about how she yelled at me once and I'm now holding a grudge about it a year later).

I've asked him about seven billion "interview" questions -- it's - quite frankly - to the point where I don't want to know Nik any better. I know everything I need to know. I'm not even remotely curious about anything else going on with him. So this time I decided to do something a little different. I submitted "interview" questions for Nik to answer -- BUT -- he has to answer them from MY perspective.

Let's see if he gets any right:

Question: Why do I feel like killing somene everytime I go to Elliott Bay coffee shop? Is it because they ALWAYS get my order wrong -- even if the order is only a single cup of coffee to go?

What Nik thinks I think: They are the center of the apocolypse that Sarah Palin predicted. They are not real people who works there, they's demons and demons don't know how to make coffee. Even worse they're just abandoned there without direction. They don't know what they should be doing and they're just going through the motions. So they make bad choices - which, well, is probably why they're demons.

Was he right: Probably. All I know is that I've instituted a ban on that place because I get angry every time I go there. And yes, I get angry because in the past three years -- they have never once gotten an order right. Not once. They are all very nice though and not demon like at all which just makes me feel bad about getting angry -- hence the ban. Note: the ban can be lifted and reinstated whenever it is convenient for me so if you see me there -- don't say things like, "Hey, I thought you had a ban on this place." I hate that.

Question: How much do I like moving?

Nik: You hate moving! Not to mention all of us would have to update our address books and that's 5 seconds we'd never get back! Ever ever!

Was he right: Yes, but that was a pretty obvious one.

Question: What's my favorite thing about my husband, Doug?

Nik: He emits an odor like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, hence all the bite marks

Was he right: No, but I wish he was. I truley do.

Question: How serious am I about becoming a professional stand up comic?

Nik: You can't be serious and a comedian. That's a contradiction!

Was he right: He does have a point -- plus, he's also correct.

Question: What's my favorite food?

Nik: Flufferbutter - Marshmellow spread and peanut butter on toast

Was he right: No. The mere thought that this sandwich exists enrages me.

Question: Do I have any annoying pets?

Nik: The gremlins. They're always trying to be cute with their singing, drinking, and reckless driving.

Was he right: Sort of. It's a cat. But she's as evil as a gremlin.

Question: Is there anyone at the post office who would be a suspect if I disappeared suddenly?

Nik: Mr. Frogface, I don't know his name but he looks like he'd try to swallow a customer whole

Was he right: No not at all. It makes me think you don't read bARTer Sauce at all Nik. I mean really. I think I mention the Asian woman who yelled at me once that I'm holding a grudge against on every page where I talk about one of our trades. Sheesh.

Question: How much do I weigh?

Nik: As much as a hobbit and a half

Was he right: No. I don't think so. I can't really tell. But he's smart to be vague. Good man.

Question: What's my favorite art medium?

Nik: Writing. and Fingerpainting

Was he right: Good god Nik. No. That's not right. Rubber would be the correct answer. You know, the thing Shower Art is made out of? Yeah, That's right.