Skip to main content

Rebecca Trades Me Faux Fur Painting for Bodice Ripper

Traded With: 
rebecca
Rebecca DeVere

Rebecca and I did this trade at her moving/yard sale.

She was wearing a wig. In fact, everyone she had conned into helping her (including her mom) was wearing a wig.

Rebecca lured me in to her garage sale with the promise of much glitter. I love glitter. Doug and I use it in our Shower Arts all the time. And, I just "glittered" the walls of our studio (and much of the man who was painting it) an awesome gold color. So she knew how to get me to make Doug drive me to Renton -- that's all I'm trying to say.

Then, she trade-raped me. I've trade raped a lot of people before -- but never, until now, have I been trade raped myself. In short, trade rape is when you want to get rid of something -- and you don't really want anything in return. Rebecca handled it elegantly, except for one small detail -- she didn't realize I would follow up on her lies. LIES!

She gave me this big faux fur painting that she had done quite some time ago and then when I asked her what she wanted in return, she said, "Oh, give the Sasquatch thingie to Kelly in exchange for my painting." I was skeptical, so I asked Kelly if she had any knowledge that she was to be given this item and she said no. She did not have any knowledge of the kind.

So, Kelly was kind enough to give me Rebecca's new address so I could send her this letter from the bARTer Sauce lawyers:

Dear Rebecca,

It has come to the attention of The Sauce that you may have tried to “pull a fast one” on The Sauce. The Sauce calls this being “trade-raped.” Allow me to explain: When you trade something to someone and are supposed to get something back but then just say that I should give it to your friend instead – that is trade-rape. You may remember that you asked me to give Kelly Lyles the item you were to receive in exchange for the Faux Fur painting (which is awesome by the way). I contacted Kelly Lyles, as you suggested – to have her pick up the item you so generously gifted to her.

She had no idea what I was talking about.

However, she was kind enough to pass on your new address so I could make sure to send you The Sauce item of MY choice in exchange for the Faux Fur painting you traded me at your garage sale (the one where you were wearing a wig). Remember? The wig one? Please find enclosed a book that I refer to as The Bodice Ripper. It’s an old timey sex book. Enjoy.

Unfortunately, I have more bad news. Your Glitter Championship Title has been revoked. You see, I recently moved to a new art studio and while I was telling Kelly Lyles how upset I was that I couldn’t afford to paint it metallic gold – she suggested that I paint the walls and then throw glitter on them while it was wet. That Kelly is a very smart lady. Very smart.  And she made it possible for me to reclaim the Glitter Championship Title. I am now the Glitter Champion. Or Kelly is – since it was her idea. Well, one of us. The important thing is that it’s not you anymore. There has been a coup.

Rebecca, please understand that The Sauce holds no ill will for you or your future endeavors. The Sauce wishes you only the best. The Sauce just likes to have the opportunity to #1 punish people, #2 get rid of things and #3 use my new, fancy bARTer Sauce letterhead. 

Sincerely,
bARTer Sauce’s Crack Team of Very Official and Handsome Attorneys

In reality, I kind of just wanted an excuse to use the bARTer Sauce letterhead that Vista Print email-raped me into ordering with an offer for free stuff.