Will Trades Me a French Phone, a Russian Book, Totem Pole Shaped Trophy & a Cross for Terror Clown Painting, No Face Wedding, Hugs for Jesus Statue and Dooky Kiss
Here's the thing.
Lots of people like to send "extras" to The Sauce along with their official trade offers. Lots of people. Pretty much everyone. I've let it go in the past, but - like I say below - I decided to make an example of Will and punish him for doing the same thing that many others have done in the past.
The punishment is that I would select whatever bARTer Sauce items I choose and mail them to Will in exchange for the "extras" he sent me. My husband Doug calls this a "Trade Rape." Be that as it may, it helps to move some stuff out of The Sauce that's been kinda sittin' 'round in the inventory for awhile.
My email to Will where I break the news:
The Sauce has received your lovely package of the items you promised to trade me along with some other unexpected items. I must tell you that this happens to The Sauce a lot. People get excited and decide to throw in some extras to please The Sauce. This DOES please The Sauce, but perhaps not for the reasons you are imagining.
This is an experiment in trading. If The Sauce keeps getting "extras" in the mail -- it will grow exponentially until I will no longer be able to create "art" in my studio, but will only be able to sit among the "extras." As I said, this has happened before, and while I was willing to sit quietly by while it happened in previous cases, I find now that I am compelled to make an example of you. The promise of this is what pleases The Sauce.
Here is what will happen. You have sent a lovely trophy that is weird (and that I believe I requested). You will be punished thusly: You must write another story to go along with the trophy. In addition, I will send you one Sauce item of my choosing in "trade" for said item.
You also sent an awesome book that is in Russian, I think. You will be punished thusly: You must write another story to go along with the trophy. In addition, I will send you one Sauce item on my choosing in "trade" for said item.
And finally, you sent some awesome little guys that we can use in Shower Art. You will not be punished for these. We love them and will make them into art. You will however, not be rewarded for them either.
Take it like a man and send me two more stories.
As for your package. I haven't sent it yet. My life has been a little busy the past few weeks because I've been living as a carnie sitting outdoors at several festivals trying to sell my art to people who want cutting boards shaped like Moose. Meese? Mooses? Moose.
Be assured that The Sauce is very responsible and will get around to mailing your package. Probably next week. Or whenever I can remember to bring the painting home with me from the studio. But rest assured that it is coming. Someday.
You have 24 hours to complete your punishments or further action will have to be taken.
Will responded thusly, obviously confused about what is involved in a "Trade Rape":
I honestly don't want anything for that book because it's not that awesome, but I wouldn't mind having the Pee Wee. I love surprises, so feel free to surprise me with what have you in addition to Pee Wee. The scarier the better though.
Um. Yeah. I pick the item. I pick it.
And as usual, I also made Will answer a bunch of "interview" questions:
Question: How do you know Sean Leary?
Answer: I know Sean in the random Google sense that has slowly invaded our society. I am scared of and vehemently hate clowns, as you know, and as a clown phobe I've been collecting hideous works of clown art for quite some time. It's an interest of mine because all clowns, to me, are quite horrible. So if I can find the worst of the worst, then I feel like I've really found something scary and scary is kind of good. It creepy fun. I googled "Creepy Clown" on Google photos and scanned through a few hundred pictures of creepy and not so creepy clowns (some people are too sensitive). I found the creepy clown painting picture from bARTer Sauce and found out that Sean had acquired it through bartering means.
Trading is another of my passions and so is (*very light) Internet stalking, so I stalked my way into Sean's email address and asked him about a potential trade. We went from there and I got the creepy clown painting and that's how I met Sean.
Question: What is the dumbest thing you've ever seen Sean Leary do in person?
Answer: I haven't seen him do anything dumb in person. Sorry this wasn't more interesting. I do dumb things all the time though, like just yesterday I backed my van out of the garage and ended up almost in my neighbors yard because I suck at backing out and I don't normally drive my wife's van. Then, just last week I was at a family reunion with a paper plate full of dessert. It was weighted lopsided and I failed to get a good grip on it and flipped the whole thing over in the middle of the dessert table in front of a bunch of my old relatives.
Question: How did you get the clown painting that I traded Sean?
Answer: See number 1. The rest of this story though is that I traded a very creepy carved mask to Sean that looked like a mask of a person who had had a stroke or something. The mask had real animal hair ringing it and may have had 1 or 2 real teeth imbedded into the mouth. Not sure what kind of hair or teeth though.
Question: What kinds of stuff do you do in your day to day life?
Answer: Oh, the most boring and inane stuff ever. It's actually pretty depressing except for the things I do with my wife and two little girls. Family time is my favorite time. I work out, I meditate, I count every calorie I eat to make sure I don't go back to being a fatty. I work as an engineer testing cell phones. I was part of a small cell phone company that's in the process of being digested by Verizon. The only other fun I have is writing and being creative. I let the creativity out in a bunch of different ways, but my favorite outlet is writing.
Question: Do you have any cats?
Answer: 2 cats. A mean old black female named Polly who only likes me and hates everyone else because I've had her since me and her were living by ourselves in a one bedroom apartment. The other one is a tabby named Daisy who loves everyone and snuggles with everything and only has 4 teeth.
Question: Would it surprise you to learn that I have a pool? Because I have a pool.
Answer: I'm not sure if I would be surprised by it. I'm from the south and live in Raleigh, NC and it's hot and lots of people have pools here. Maybe the type of pool would surprise me. My question to you, I guess, would be why would it surprise it me?
Question: How many times would you just allow it to happen if a chipmunk kept running up to your window and mashing it's face up against the glass and looked to be pointing right at you?
Answer: We don't have a lot of chipmunks here, like, I've only seen one in the past 3 years within 10 miles of my house, so if it did happen, I'd probably let it happen until I had something better to do, maybe the number of times the chipmunk could do it in a 30 minute period. If it was a squirrel though, that shit would happen only once because if I didn't personally go out there and whip it's tail, another squirrel in the neighborhood would be all over its ass. We're overrun by squirrels. It's like a warzone because of their territorial fighting. I think that soon they will organize into their own gangs.